Wednesday, March 19, 2008


All work and no play makes Betty a dull girl indeed.

It seems like everything I ever do is work, work, and more work.

It doesn't feel that way initially, because everything I do is different: I write, I study, I work at my dad's office, I work with bf's biz, I sing (for performances)...

So yeah, there's a real variety and they're all really fun to do. I should feel lucky, because essentially it means I have FIVE 'jobs' which I really enjoy! While others have one which they may not even like.

But it also means I have not much time left for just kicking back and relaxing sometimes. I always feel like I must be doing something. I must always have a book in my hand, or practicing my songs, or talking with bf about the biz, or whatever, and I instantly feel guilty when I'm not doing anything 'productive'.

And when sometimes I just decide to shush the guilt complex and let the work wait, someone will eventually come along and say something like, "So, how's your study going on?" or "Did you practise the songs we're performing next week?" or "Did you get back to the client about (fill in the blank)?" And back I go to work again.

It's not just guilt about work either. I love my friends and I love hanging out, but sometimes I really do just want to spend some time alone and work on some of my *hobbies*. I want to read a book for fun! Not just for reviews or studies or learning something new about business. I want to relearn palmistry, so I can have fun reading people's palms (and also so I can teach Raul *wink*). I want to have time to crochet so I can give people better, personalized gifts. I want more free time for myself.

But instead, I spend my precious free time with my friends going out having dinner or watching a movie or whatever. Hey guys, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with you guys, and having fun with you guys is what keeps me sane sometimes from all the work that I have.

I like nothing more than to have a nice casual dinner together, chatting about everything we chat about and just letting it all hang out, but I keep thinking about the things I'm not getting done, the things I need to do, the things I *want* to do, and it keeps me from fully enjoying being out with my friends.

Perhaps what I'm suffering from is a severe case of bad time management. On the other hand, perhaps I'm just simply taking on too many things and need to cut down.

But that's the whole problem. I'm not willing to cut down on anything! And the ones that I do want to cut... I can't because I'm needed there. My dad needs me at the office, and my bf needs me for the business. So you see, I help my parents and my bf with their businesses, and there's no one left to help me with what *I* want to do. There's not even much time for *myself* to work on what I want to do.

It's such a dilemma, because even if my parents or bf tell me, "go ahead and do your stuff, we can find someone else to help us", I still wouldn't let go. I want to help my parents because I feel I can bring something new to their business, and besides, it's the only thing that gives me a regular salary (all my other 'jobs' pay on a project by project basis), and I want to help my bf because the business is new, and he's going to need my help before the biz takes off and stabilizes, and runs on automatic.

So if I do cut something out, it will be something that belongs to me.

It is much easier to cut what I want to do out, because I can do them anytime and they'll always be there for me when I decide to take them up again (except for my studies, which I have to do now on an ongoing basis), but I don't want to keep putting them off and ending up 80 years old and still deluding myself that I will achieve my dreams.... one day.

Right now, I don't know what I should do. I've always felt that life isn't worth living if you don't live for your dreams... But it seems that I may have to sacrifice some dreams if I want to achieve the others. And I don't know how to choose.

I don't know if I have the strength to choose.

I guess I'm not making much sense if you don't know exactly what's going on through my mind and the choices that I'm facing...

Bottom line is, I'm at a crossroads, and until I choose which path I need to take, I'm stuck standing here, looking down both paths... not knowing what each have in store for me, and being afraid that I'll miss out on something. I don't want to live to regret my choices.