Top 10 signs you’re about to be dumped:

7. She stops criticizing you. This one may sound counterintuitive, but, as Py Kim Conant says, “if she stops complaining about you leaving the toilet seat up, it may mean that she’s given up on the relationship and has no energy to put into further criticism of you. In fact, she may not even notice the toilet seat any longer, since her focus is no longer on perfecting you.”

I was reading this article online, and this jumped out at me, because out of the list of 10 things, #7 is the *for-sure* sign that I’m about to dump you.

I like improvement. I like improving. I don’t expect perfection and I don’t expect overnight improvement, but if you’re not moving forwards, you’re moving backwards, and to me, that’s a relationship deal-breaker.

I feel a little sorry for Lone that he has to put up with my constant ‘criticizing’ on his minor flaws (I don’t really criticize, I just remind him to improve a little every day), but the really wonderful thing is that he realizes that when I ‘criticize’ him, it means I love him, and he always knows that it’s for both our benefits for both of us to improve every day.

The interesting thing is that for a couple of my exes before Lone, the tell-tale sign that the relationship was over was when I stopped criticizing them. I spent months nagging and nagging, and in some cases crying, screaming and throwing things (ok, not really, but it sounds satisfyingly dramatic, doesn’t it?), and sometimes things will improve for a while, and then they’d go back to doing what they’ve always done before.

Then one day I'd just had enough. You think I like to keep on nagging and screaming at you, hey? I don’t enjoy having to do it any more than you enjoy me doing it.

So I stopped doing it, because I realized that they were never going to improve anyway, and I was just wasting my breath. And the moment you realize that nothing’s ever going to improve in your relationship, that’s the moment that you know the relationship is doomed.

So I’m glad Lone appreciates it from me, he really does! He tells me constantly that he appreciates me helping him improve (and vice versa from me to him as well), and that his ultimate goal is to be such an amazing husband that I’d have nothing to criticize about him. ;-)

How did I ever get so lucky? =)

Disclaimer: I don’t really like using the word ‘criticize’ here, because I believe the word ‘nag’ would be a lot more accurate. For the sake of keeping to the article though, I’ve used ‘criticize’ but I really mean ‘nag’. =P

You know, I used to keep a diary.

A private, physical one, where I handwrote all my thoughts and my secrets in.

Sometimes I wonder why I blog instead of write in my diary. The thing is, I can write more details in my diary, and say as many bad things about as many a**holes as I want, and fully disclose their names as well.

So why do I choose to blog where I have to censor certain details, instead of letting it all out in a diary.

Heck, why does anyone do it?

In the hopes of getting heard, I think.

Many times, even while I was writing in my private diary, I always thought, wouldn’t my great-grandchildren get a kick out of reading their great-grandmother’s diary? ;-)

I want them to see how I was, that their boring old great-grandmother had a life, had feelings, had thoughts…

We all want to be heard. We want people to know who we are, to understand us, to feel like we’re not alone.

Blogging gives us that.

We may have many readers, or just a few, we may have a lot of feedback via comments or none at all, but putting it all out there on a blog at least let us think that maybe, just maybe, someone is listening to us.

I was just reading a book about PR, and there was a section about raising the bar; improving yourself and becoming better and better as you go.

People who've talked to me about this before knows what I always say. It doesn't matter if you're 'not as good' as your competitor or your peers or whoever when you start off, as long as you have the attitude of improvement.

What I mean is, you could be the last in your class, and everyone could be well ahead of you, but if they stay where they are, while you keep on moving forward, pretty soon, you'd be well ahead of them!

Life isn't stagnant, it keeps moving, everything in life is progressing, and when it comes to technology and science and those kinda things, we all know it because it can be so clearly seen. But it also applies to personal development, and the problem with most people is that they don't realize this.

How many people you know never grow personally, even as a child to an adult? You see the difference in them as they become less childish and more serious, but that doesn't mean they've grown up. In fact, it probably means they're more immature than ever.

There's a difference between being childish and immature, by the way. You can be childish and yet very mature, and being serious doesn't make you a mature person. I personally, will never stop being childish, because OMG, life is fun! As it should be. =D

Anyway, I digress again.

As I was saying: personal progress, raising the bar, being better than you were before...

Nobody's perfect, and nobody could ever be perfect, and if that's the case, then that means that we can always improve. Everyday, all the time. I've said this before also, that my own personal goal is to be better today than I was yesterday, and be better tomorrow than I am today. It doesn't matter how little I improve, or in whatever department or aspect of my life, as long as I am better than before.

And with this attitude, even if I compare myself with millionaires my age, I know eventually I'll catch up to them, unless of course, they improve too. =)

As I've said, I don't really compare much, just sometimes it's necessary to compare to know where you are, but I never let it get me down if I think I'm not doing as well as others, because I know for a fact, that I will get better.

Some people reach a certain level and they believe they're so good that it's not necessary to improve anymore, some people don't even know it's possible to improve. So they stagnate, and fall behind when others move ahead, but they still believe they're the best because they've fostered their beliefs for so long and it's hard to accept anything else.

I know a couple of people like that. People whom I used to respect, and whom I learned so much from because they *were* the best. Years ago, they were my teachers, my masters, my gurus, my sifus. But I've continued growing, and they've stopped, and as a result they've actually moved backward. So the student has become better than the teacher. But the problem with the teacher is that they are no longer teachers but they can't accept the fact because they've been the teachers for so long, it's hard not to teach anymore.

My problem with them is that I wouldn't mind them continuing to teach, if they had something new to teach, but they don't, and they don't want to improve either, while the world around them is improving.

Imagine that you're using the latest, newest, highest technology computer, and the manual you got with it is for those old computers we used to use 10 years ago. Imagine if the technician insisted that you learn to use your new computer with the old manual.

Things change, the world is moving forward, you need to change and move forward with it, or else you're going to be left behind.

So... raise the bar, keep on growing, keep learning, keep improving yourself, it's a never-ending lifelong quest.

Lone and I went for MNY again last weekend. The best thing about it is that once you've participated once, it's free for you to go to again and again, for life, and in anywhere in the world whenever they hold MNY seminars.

As the name says, very literally, it's all about money, and you. It's a three and a half day (full days! which can be tiring but really rewarding in the end) course, where they help you learn more about money and you. Key here being that they *help* YOU learn. They don't teach you, they don't tell you, they just put you in situations and let you figure it out for yourself. And then, they review what you've learned with you.

I think it's a great way to help people learn, because the truth is people remember and understand better when they're involved in their own learning process, instead of just listening to the teacher and accepting (or rejecting) what the teacher says.

So anyway they teach you about money, how to smart with money and business, yada, yada, yada... and I learned some really, really, good lessons from there. And every time I go back for review, I get more distinctions, and also it's a great reminder to me to check if I'm going on the right track.

But I believe, and what everyone else is saying, the most impacting thing you learn in MNY, is all about YOU. As in, you, yourself, your thoughts, your beliefs, your attitude, your behavior....etc.

We all know that we all aren't perfect human beings, and the sad thing is, we know, and we ignore that fact. We don't bother spending time thinking about ourselves, improving ourselves, nourishing ourselves, helping ourselves grow.... and instead, most of us spend a LOT of our time thinking about our career, how to improve our income, growing our business. Or we think about anything as long as we don't have to face the ugly truth about ourselves.

Well, admit it, a lot of us don't know anything about ourselves. And a lot of us don't want to.

This is why I enjoy going to MNY, I meet people there who are not afraid to be honest about themselves, I meet people there who know who they are, who understand themselves, who love themselves, and in extension, they love and understand others.

Ok, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that *everyone* who goes for MNY is like that, because for every 'good' person you meet, there is someone else who is only there to prospect, or to impose, or who are too stubborn or too afraid to learn. Not that there's anything wrong with prospecting or whatever, that's half the reason people attend MNY after all. But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. We have all met pushy salespeople who don't see us as people but only as dollar signs, who recite all their information at us as if we know what the heck their talking about, and who don't even care that we're not interested.

However, out of every 100 people there, you do get to meet a few really, really, great people. The key is quality, not quantity. Of course, you could introduce yourself to everyone and try to talk to everyone, but you don't build relationships that way. In most social settings where you get to know people for the first time, you make many acquaintances, but only a few actually become friends.

That's how it's like in MNY. The setting there is in such a way that although you've only met that one particular person that day, you're talking as if you've been friends since childhood.

I like making friends. Because friends allow you to go deeper. Friends talk about everything, friends are not afraid of opening up and being vulnerable, friends are not afraid of you judging them or vice versa, friends like you for who you are and not who they want you to be. I love friends.

Acquaintances, on the other hand... Well, I'm incapable of small talk. I don't care about the weather, I don't know anything about the latest fashions, or celebrity gossip, I don't particularly like talking about politics (although it does concern me), and I don't know much about sports.

Of course, I'm generalizing here, because although I don't know anything about any of these topics, some really good friends of mine love talking about them. But as long as they do all the talking and allow me to just listen and don't expect me to come up with an intelligent reply when it comes to these topics, I'm fine. And they're fine too, because they know me, and they allow me to talk about things that they know nothing about either.

But you see, our friendship wasn't built on these topics, it was built on much more solid ground, fed with much love and care. I liken it to building a cozy home, a solid house on a solid foundation, with quality building materials. And when the house is built, you can add all sorts of furniture and decorations in it, even when all the furniture don't match and the deco is all last season. It becomes a warm place, with a lot of of uniqueness and character, and that's what friendship is.

Now, if you tried throwing all sorts of different furniture and deco out in the middle of nowhere, exposed in the sun, wind, and rain, with no home to put them in and no warmth to hold them. Well, that's not a friendship, that's just a lot of furniture out in the dust.

You know what I mean.

One of the things I love about Lone is that we can have so many great conversations together.

Yesterday, we went to visit one of Lone's students, a Swedish man, and we started talking about the differences in Malaysian culture (and sub-cultures of the different races/religions/etc) and Swedish culture.

This man has been working here in Malaysia for the past couple of years, before his company will be sending him to yet another country to work for a while. He holds one of the top managerial positions in the company now in Malaysia, and he mentioned how flummoxed he was when he first started managing Malaysians.

In Swedish culture, it's common and even encouraged, that the employees give honest and sometimes negative feedback to their bosses. The people are more willing to share their opinions, which as Hans (the Swede) says, is a good thing, because you get honest feedback and that's one of the best ways to improve.

Part of it is because of the 'lifestyle' there; there is a very, very strong job security in place in Sweden. Employers cannot, by law, fire any employees there,(there may be some caveats which we didn't go into details about...) and the only time they can fire anyone is if they can prove that they are doing it to downsize the company. And if they are doing it to downsize the company, they can't even choose who they want to fire. The person who gets fired, is always the newest employee. It doesn't matter if you're more skilled or hardworking or whatever, if you're the newest one, you get fired.

The good thing, of course, is that it breeds a company loyalty, in that the longer you stay with a company, the more protected you are. In fact, personally, I believe this is a great policy all around, for many reasons. But at the same time, I also know it will not work for us.

It works for them, because of the details in their upbringing and their culture and all the little things that make them who they are as a culture, which makes them not take advantage or abuse a system like this.

It will not work for us, because our culture and the many little details of our own upbringing and societal conditioning, has made us into a different type of people. One that learns that it's better to be kiasu. And I believe, a system like that will not work because it will definitely be misused by us.

Anyway, it got me thinking further, you know. And later, when Lone and I went for supper, we started discussing about cultural differences and how interesting it was.

We started pin-pointing on the Malaysian culture, and the Chinese sub-culture in particular.

I said that one of the biggest problems with some of the Malaysian Chinese in our generation is that they are majorly confused. Majorly, inescapably, extremely, confused.

Why?

Because we are conditioned by our parents, by our friends, the people around us, that we have to be a certain way.

And then we are taught, in our colleges, in the books we read and the movies we watch, that we have to be a different way.

More specifically, our Chinese backgrounds and culture which is so deeply ingrained into us, have us living in total contradiction with the Western teachings that we consciously think is a 'better' way to live.

An example is that in Chinese culture, we are brought up to be humble and 'put ourselves down', it is a very, very old culture that most of us don't do anymore in its original form, but which we still do in a watered-down form.

If someone compliments you and say, "You have a very intelligent son." It is polite and expected of you to say, "No, my son is very stupid." Of course, now we don't do that anymore, but it is so deeply ingrained into our subconscious, that we still sometimes find ourselves unable to just completely accept the compliment with grace and pride. We have to say something like, "No la, your son is smarter," or "No la, my son still need to improve more."

It's also partly our fear of the 'compliment-er's' perception. If we did in fact, replied with something like, "Yes, of course my son is smart, we are so proud of him," we worry that the person may think we are showing off, that we are prideful, or whatever they want to think.

Personally, I'm one of those people who don't really have much of a humble bone in my body, not necessarily a good thing, and I would think nothing of accepting a compliment with a simple "Thank you" and a very big smile. Which, by the way, is what most of us are consciously taught that we should do, but which most of us seldom actually do. But I understand the reason that we mostly don't do it too, because the reaction we get is quite negative.

Perhaps the best example I can give, and the reason I gave up on studying Psychology in college, is this...

Ok, picture this, when you're a child and in school, maybe you have some brothers or sisters, maybe you have some other friends. Your parents are always telling you to study hard, study hard, study hard. They want you to have good results, but they are *always* comparing! Always!

How come your results are not as good as your brother's? How come your friend got 9A's and you only have 5? How come your math is so poor when your sister is a genius at math? And on and on and on....

So we learn to always compare ourselves with others. And of course, you *never* win when you do, because there will always be someone better than you in something! Not everyone will be better than you in everything, of course. It's just one particular person will be better than you in this, and another will be better than you in that, and that's perfectly normal, coz you would be better than them in certain things too.

But our parents have ingrained this comparing thing into us so badly that we always feel insecure and a lack of confidence.

So we go to college, and we(I) study Psychology, and the lecturer tells us that we must be confident, confident, confident! We must believe in ourselves! We must trust ourselves! We must whatever! The point is, they tell us to be confident.

Frankly, I've never lacked confidence. My parents never did that comparing thing with me, so I never really got the concept of comparing yourself against others.

That's not to say that I'm like, completely egotistical or whatever. I do have my own insecurities sometimes, and every once in a while, I do compare, but I always do it with a certain perspective.

I mean, I *know* perfectly well, that I'm definitely not the best in everything I do, and there are always people better than me, but that doesn't mean I'm a good-for-nothing either, coz I do what I do best, with all the things that I have!

For example, I love singing and I think I'm pretty decent, but I will never be a Mariah Carey or an Alicia Keys, but that sure doesn't mean I should stop singing.

And I think I'm pretty good-looking, I mean, I'm not horrible looking, but I'm also one of those people who don't really spend a lot of time on maintaining her looks. I'm chubby in certain places, I have really dry skin, I can't be bothered to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows, I don't even like shopping for clothes that might make me look better, and I'm too lazy to spend even 5 minutes putting lotion for my dry skin. So yeah, I do sometimes feel insecure when I stand next to a barbie doll, but I also know I'm good at certain things that she probably wouldn't have a clue at.

So you see, I believe in myself. I have confidence in myself. I don't really compare, much. I just do what I do, and try to improve myself the best that I can. I have never had the mindset of 'being better than the other person', but I always try to live by 'being better than what I used to be'.

So anyway, when I went to college, and the Psychology lecturer/counselor was preaching to the students with low confidence to be confident, I thought, "Great! Teaching people to be confident is a great, great, thing!"

Until I had my one-to-one sessions with the counselor and realize how hypocritical it all was.

Students are encouraged to go to the counselor every once in a while, to 'ground' themselves, or to get support or when they're feeling down, or whatever.

So I went for mine, and I guess he might have been really used to low confident students going to him, and replying with 'Be confident! Believe in yourself!" because when he started talking about confidence, and I said, "Oh, I have no problem with confidence...." intending to talk about other areas where I wanted his help instead, he snapped at me and said, "Then why are you here for?"

Inside I was shocked! But outside I smoothed it over by ignoring his snappish tone and going ahead to talk about the other issues.

I was really disappointed though. Up until then, he had seem like a really great counselor who was always patient with students' problems and I always agreed with the things he taught us, consciously. Even after that incident, when I talked about other problems other than with confidence, he would very patiently help me. I still think he was a great counselor, but I just feel like, our conscious learning, and our subconscious conditioning, are so totally at odds with each other.

Everybody loves preaching to people about how they should be confident. But what do they do when they meet someone who is actually confident? They think he's egotistic!

I know there's a line somewhere, between being confident and being egotistic, and perhaps it's to do with our individual interpretations as well.

I think confidence is purely a 'self' thing; believing in yourself, knowing your own abilities, how good you are and where you can improve, etc. I think egotism is an 'other' thing; how much better you are than the other person, what you can do vs what they can do, etc.

By this definition, I'm confident and not egotistic, coz frankly, I don't much care what other people can or can't do. I'm too busy improving myself.

Anyway, the point here is, (after zigzagging through all my musings) the problem with people nowadays is that they are confused because they are trying to fuse their Chinese upbringing, with their Western education, and they end up contradicting themselves and being hypocritical.

I don't care if you want to follow the Chinese culture, coz I think culture is a great thing, and whatever that may have worked for a people for so many centuries definitely has its place. And I don't care either, if you choose to follow your Western influences and teachings, because they have their own greatness.

But when you try to do both, which contradicts each other... consciously, you say you value confidence, subconsciously, you put down anyone who even shows a little hint of confidence in themselves... that's just plain confusing to everyone! And it makes it really hard for our next generation to learn, because they don't know if they should be confident or humble or what the hell!

Anyway, I'm done. Sorry for the really long post, and I think, a rather confusing one. LOL! It is a confusing subject, so what do you expect?! =P Feel free to tell me your opinions, I always love a good discussion.

Ok, ok... I know! I haven't blogged much lately, and what I have blogged about are either so boring that you read them as bedtime stories, or so meaningless that you wonder why I even bother.

Sigh... =(

SORRY!!

Truth is, it's not that I don't have anything to say... I have a LOT to say, but most of them can't be said here. Because it is a public blog and I have no idea who's reading it (yes, I have a lot of bitchy things to say about *you* if you're reading my blog! You know who you are!) (Ok, that was a joke, I have better things to do that to complain about people I don't care about in my blog =P), and because the things I have to say will probably be confusing (and more than a little off-putting) to the people who don't know the backstory about me/my life/my beliefs/my experiences.

So that's why I don't say them here, and have been saying them instead in another private blog I have. (Did I ever mention before that I have....at least eight(!) different blogs?)

Muahhahahha! You guys have only been reading what I've wanted you to read!

Oh, nevermind, ignore that last sentence... obviously, I have not taken my medicine today. =P

Anyway, being serious now, the last couple of days have been *intensely* introspective for me. Not as intense as it could still go, because I've taken some breaks, but it's as intense as I've ever been. I've been doing some releasing from past problems, letting myself feel the residual anger/sadness/bad feelings, letting go of them, analyzing the way I felt, who I was and why I acted the ways I did, and what I learned from the past, how I can improve myself now...etc.

I'm definitely not done yet. I am a *very* analytical person, and trust me, I get hooked on one single scenario, and I analyze it to death in a hundred different ways! I'm still stuck on one topic in all the last couple of days I've been doing it. It's fun! (And scary!) But I also gotta be careful that I don't neglect the other issues that I haven't covered yet and not stick to one too long.

It's too soon to tell if it is actually helping me, but I'm eager to continue ahead and see.

On the same note, but a slightly different angle, I've also been doing some 'future' stuff too (as opposed to releasing past problems, this is more of a 'how do I know I'm on the right path' thing).
I'm amazed by how much insight I gain from these sessions!

One thing I have to admit, I am more of a 'thinker' than a 'doer'. I plan, and talk, and discuss, and analyze, and strategize about how I can achieve a certain thing, when I should've just gone ahead and get it done instead. It is one of my biggest weakness, and the one that keeps me from moving ahead.

At the same time, I have also read a lot of books on wisdom, from wise gurus and such, about how we are a people who are so focus on 'doing', 'doing', 'doing', that we never just let ourselves 'BE', and that sometimes we should stop doing so much for a change and just BE. So like every other student of wisdom, I misinterpreted the above to mean what I wanted it to mean. I became passive and introspective and quiet and (inhales deep knowing breaths) just 'BE'd'.

Well, it didn't work too well for me, and I completely didn't realize that this was what I was doing. Not until yesterday when I had a meditative session with my higher self, and she told me how naive and wrong and unwise I was (ok, not in those words exactly...LOL!).

So anyway, what she said that really made me realized how wrong I was, and I'm just paraphrasing here, was that "Before you can 'be', you first have to 'do'!"

And she was right!

I was so focused on be-ing a more enlightened 'BE-ing', that I have forgotten I need to DO! I was so intent on getting to the 100th floor, that I forgot that I first have to go through floors 1 through 99! I had no idea that I had incorporated this false teaching of 'Being' into my daily life and that it was impeding my progress.

Elaborating further, as an example; if I wanted to 'be' a singer, first I must 'do' the singing, then *maybe* I can 'be' a singer, because you don't automatically become a singer just because you 'do' the singing, as many karaoke singers know well =P, but you definitely for sure can't BE a singer, if you're not willing to DO the singing.

So if I want to be successful, I've got to DO the things that will make me BE successful, not just 'think positive and you will be successful'. If I want to be wealthy, I've got to DO the things that help me achieve wealth. And etc.

Perhaps to most of you 'doers' this must seem painfully obvious and you probably think I must be really quite unsmart to not know this in the first place.

Please, in my defence, remember that I am a 'thinker' more than a 'doer' first and foremost because I am a lazy, procrastinating, pig, and any excuse I can think of to not DO what I need to DO, especially if it's in the name of higher 'wisdom', I will use shamelessly.

I am quite content to spend my whole life as a thinker and never bother to do anything ever! If it wasn't for the fact that this attitude is unhealthy and incredibly limiting, and extremely hazardous to my progress in life!

Improvement is important to me. Progress is important to me. Achieving my dreams is important to me. BEING the highest form of BEING I can be is so terribly important to me. And to achieve all these, first I have to get off my butt, and DO the things I need to DO, so that I can BE what I want to BE.

So laugh at me if you want, just because I may have been a little bit slow in getting this. But just remember one thing, you may have starting DOING long before I did, but ask yourself, are the things you are DOing going to make you the person that you really want to BE? Or are you just merely mindlessly doing them, and BEcoming someone you never intended to BE and forgetting the person you originally wanted to BE?

There! I've said a lot! This blog post should last you weeks! (It really should! Coz you should really be thinking about that last question! =P)

It's been awhile since I last blogged about my thoughts and feelings...

It's been awhile since I had the time to really think about how I feel...

I've been so busy lately, with so many things to plan, work, and do, that I haven't really allocated any time for self-reflection or meditation, or just a simple and relaxing me-time.

Mentally, I've been busy like nobody's business. My brain has been working non-stop for the last couple of months. Trying to think up ideas, plans, and modes of execution, for projects at work, for my college projects, for my writing projects, for the band, and for the business. It's exhausting, but it's a good kind of exhausting because I feel so accomplished. I also know though, that I need to let my brain rest and not think of solving problems all the time.

Physically, other than the exercise I get when I sing and dance during our band sessions, I have not had the time (or the energy) to exercise at all lately, and I've put on some weight(!). Especially since now I'm mostly sitting and working at the office, I can't even use the exercise bike and read my textbooks like I used to. Not happy with the results here.

Emotionally, I've been really happy, but just a tiny bit hassled because of all the work I have to do. The bf and I spend a lot of time together, but a lot of it is spent discussing work. Still I would say that we're both very, very, healthy emotionally. I'm happy almost every minute of the days, with minimal complaints. The great thing about our relationship is that although we're both busy doing the work that we need to do, we still find little pockets of time in between, special moments where we still giggle and laugh like a new couple, and tell each other how much we love and appreciate one another (and still mean it!). No complaints here, but of course, you can never have too much love and happiness. =) (Let's continue to increase these everyday, dear!)

Spiritually, unfortunately...I've been neglecting. Other than the 'you are my heart and soul' part of spirituality, I haven't done anything at all for a long time, to feed my spiritual needs. I haven't really prayed, or meditated, or done any of the rituals I used to do, or developed any part of myself spiritually at all. Those who know me intimately know that spirituality is one of the most important aspects of who I really am, and to have neglected this part of myself is very frustrating and dissapointing to me. I have no excuse to give, nor am I trying to guilt myself. It is simply a fact. I have been neglecting this part of myself, and I am seriously disappointed in myself. That's it. Will I do something about it? Do I have the time? These questions are irrelevant, because you will always find the time to do the things you really want to. It merely depends on what you choose your priorities to be.

If I decide that I have more important priorities at the moment, I will continue to neglect spirituality, and I will be disappointed, but I will accept it. That goes for everything else. I have had to give up certain things I wanted to do, because there are other things that are more important at the moment. It's a choice, and I'm completely in control, so there's no reason to beat myself up over it. If I decide, however, that I do not want to ignore this aspect of my life, I will spend more time on it, and I will accept the other consequences I have to face. And I will accept that choice as well.

Anyway, I feel like I'm becoming too serious for my own good. I think for my next few posts, I'm going to have to take those cutesy and fun online personality quizes and post them up here just to lighten things up a bit.

Maybe I'll even write a funny short story or something...

Linda Wisdom, the author of 50 Ways to Hex Your Lover, guest blogged on my bookblog on Monday. It was a very inspiring post, especially for writers, but I believe that the advice can be applied to anyone in any aspect of their lives.

Click here to read her post.

As for me, I have to admit that I have certain comfort zones that I may be too afraid to get out of, but at the same time I know that if I don't come out of my comfort zone, I won't achieve anything of value.

I have big dreams, I have big ideas, and none of them will come true if I stay in my comfort zone. I am not content to just dream about them, I will not be satisfied with a life half-lived. So it's time for me to be brave, and live the life I was born to live.

Glory, Fame, and Fortune! Here I come!

Do you ever get the feeling that some people just like to be miserable?

No, I mean it. These people are always miserable and depressed, and some bad thing or other is always happening to them, and they are always complaining or moaning or crying or whatever.  And I mean *always*!

These people also never listen to advice, never learn from mistakes, and in fact always make the *same* mistakes over and over and over again. And they know it too! Their excuse is "I couldn't help it..."

At first you really feel sorry for them, it really does seem like they've got it bad... but then later it just gets really tiresome and boring, and honestly, it seems like they're just fishing for attention and sympathy.

Or... it could just be that they're addicted to drama.

It's true, you know, happy people are boring people, that's why I'm so boring, but I'd had more than my share of drama and excitement, and I decided that it was enough, and that I now want to be happy and boring.

And so I am!

Happiness is a choice, and I choose to be happy. I choose to keep all the drama in my life confined to movies and books. But hey, don't get the wrong idea, I've got an extremely interesting life, just not a dramatic one. =)

The best thing about it is that people don't gossip about you either, since you're so 'boring'. They'd rather talk about the girl whose boyfriend two-timed her with her best friend, or the guy whose girlfriend left him for another guy but not before milking him for all his money's worth, or the friend whose having an affair with her boss, or whatever... You get the picture.

And as for these people, well... I'm sure they love being gossiped about. You know the old adage, "There's no such thing as bad publicity."

These dramas put them in the spotlight, make them the center of attention, and allow them to rant and rave and bitch and cry, and yet still have their friends console and comfort them.

The only thing these people *ever* talk about is how terrible they feel, how shitty their situation is, why these things always happen to them, etc... And when you try to change the subject to something cheerful to help get their mind off the problem, they change it right back! Because, well, it wouldn't do to talk about a subject in which they're not the main characters, you know.

GET OFF OF IT ALREADY!!! STOP BEING SUCH A BABY AND A DRAMA QUEEN!!!!

If you really want to stop being miserable all the time and find a guy who really loves you and appreciate you, then decide to be so and stop letting guys walk all over you!!

It is *your* decision, and yes, it *is* that simple! And I know, because I've done it!

Everything that happens to you in your life is because of the choices you make. So start making different choices already! Don't expect to find the right guy when you keep on going off with the bad guys.

For goodness' sake! For you to be making these same mistakes over and over and over again, you are either very very *very* stupid, or you just enjoy being miserable. Either way, it's getting really boring, and I'm sure the last thing you want is to be boring. LOL!

Whatever.

Lone and I were discussing our year in 2007 yesterday. Instead of simply thinking about our new year resolutions for 2008, I thought I should reflect on the current year. Now that 2007 is ending, I ask myself, what am I happy to have achieved this year?

Here are the answers:

• Performing a song that Lone and I was asked to write for our company's D&D this year.
• Finishing my Certificate course in Holistic Nutrition with flying colors.
• Becoming a contributing writer for an online magazine.
• Moving to a new home.
• Starting a new music-related company with Lone.
• Starting a new band with Lone and friends.
• Meeting a lot of new people who taught me a lot of various things.
• Taking the initiative to learn Chinese (although I haven't achieved *learning* it all yet).
• Taking the first steps to allowing myself to grow spiritually.
• Learning a lot of new things I never knew about before.
• Becoming more of a doer instead of just a thinker.

Actually, I'd say there are a lot of things I'm happy to have achieved this year, it's just that some are quite intangible and difficult to express. And though some are more notable than others, I'm happy for all of them, and I aim to do better next year.

However, it's obvious that it's been a great year, and next year and all the years ahead are just going to get better!

As I've probably said before, I believe in improving myself day to day. As long as I'm better today than I was yesterday, and better tomorrow than I am today, no matter how slow the pace, I'm doing alright.

Here's to more improvements in the year 2008 and all the years ahead!

Here's a thought:

Say you and a person you love deeply are placed in separate rooms with a button next to each of you. You know that you will both be killed unless one of you presses your button before 60 minutes pass; furthermore, the first to press the button will save the other person, but will immediately be killed. What do you think you would do?

Would you press the button and kill yourself so your loved one could live, or would you hope that your loved one will kill themselves so you can live. Do you feel that they deserve to live more than you do? Do you think that your life might be worth more than your loved one's life, that maybe you could do more to change the world than they could? Or vice versa? What would influence your decision in either killing yourself or waiting for your loved one to kill themselves.

But what if both you and your loved one are unwilling to sacrifice for the other? If no one presses the button, BOTH of you will die in 60 minutes.

This isn't about risking your life to save your loved one, like if they were drowning and you had to swim into a storm to save them, because while that would be dangerous too, there's always a chance that you would both survive. We're talking about certain death here. You *will* die if you decide to save your loved one.

So?

Do you feel that your life is unworthy and that your loved one could do better things if they stayed alive?

Or do you feel that your life is worth much more than your loved one's and you should be the one to live?

In my own case, I really do wonder. My dearest knows that I'm the one who has all the big plans and ideas to change the world and all that, but I'm too lazy to bring them all into fruition. On the other hand, my dearest is the most hardworking person you could ever meet, whatever he says he'll do, he'll do it, but he's not much of a big planner.

So if I let me live, I'll have a lot of big plans but I may not actually act on them. If I let my bf live, he'll get things done, but nothing significant may come out of them.

But then again, if my bf gave his life so that I could have my life, you can be damned sure I won't waste my life, so obviously I'd stop being lazy and start being hardworking so he wouldn't have sacrificed his life in vain. And if I gave my life for his, he'll probably do the same and start having big plans and ideas.

But then there's the other angle. Are we putting a value on our lives judging from what we can contribute to the world or judging on who we are?

I've got a temper, and I am a little bit prickly and I can be unfriendly sometimes. Dearest has got his temper too, but he's the most generous person and he loves making new friends and making people laugh. 

I sometimes get over defensive and depressed easily, and I'm very self-centered, not bothering about other people's problems when I can't even take care of my own.  Dearest cares about everyone else, and he's the one who always puts a smile on my face.

When I'm with him, I'm just not as big a bitch as I am when he's not around.

So I'm just thinking...

Whether or not either of us ever make big plans to make the world a better place or go through with the plans at all isn't the point...

The point is, my dearest, just by being himself, can bring smiles to people's faces, and make their day better and brighter and happier, while I would only be a bigger bitch without him...

I'll let him live. =)

Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things... you know, life and stuff.

I'm happier now than I've ever been. I'm content and peaceful and all that, and this is what I wanted. But it feels a little boring...

Ok, not boring exactly, but we all need a little excitement in our lives once in a while.

I was just thinking, earlier today, contemplating and reminiscing about my youth (as if I'm really so old now) back when I was fresh out of high school, and all the mishaps and drama I got myself into.

You know those soap operas that most of us drama queens love to watch? Well, I lived them.

Not all of them of course, but I had more than my fair share of drama. And you know what the funny thing is? While there were many tears and fears and love and hate and many things in between, and it really really hurt while I was going through many of those dramas, I can't help but look back now on all those amazing experiences I had, and say to myself, "That was fun, wasn't it?"

If I had to do it all over again, I would, and I'd do much more of it too!

I guess the saying is really true, you don't regret the things you did, you only regret the things you didn't do. And you know what I regret? I regret that I didn't do more of what I did. LOL!

But I'm content with leaving it all in the past. That's the good thing about being really wild and childish and free when you're young, you don't bring your childhood with you into adulthood.

I'm an adult now, and while I still enjoy being childish (as opposed to immature) and having fun, I know my limits, and I don't go wild the way a teenager would. I did all that as a teenager, and I'm ready to grow up now.

I still wish I was a little more carefree and wild, but I'm ready to grow up.

I know some people who didn't have enough fun or freedom when they were young, and they spend their adult lives trying to live their childhood. It's sad coz they never really live their lives, they just spend it trying to capture the feeling of being alive.

And then there's the other kinds of people, who have had so much fun and freedom and yet they don't know how to grow up. It's like they're stuck doing the only things they know how to do, and can't move to another level. These people are so afraid of not being able to live their lives to the fullest, that they spend it in fear of growing up, and live so recklessly that they may just get their wish of never growing up.

But then again, who am I to judge? Maybe these people got it right. Maybe we are just meant to live hedonistically. Or maybe we are all meant to live it the way we want our lives to be. That's what makes everyone different after all.

Contradicting what I said earlier about wishing I had done more of what I did when I was younger, I feel sometimes that I had a little too much drama in my life. Too much pain, anger, tears, betrayal... whatever. And I'm not the kind of person who handles all these stresses well. That's the reason I decided that I didn't want anymore drama in my life.

I don't want stormy relationships where I scream and fight with my bf every other day, and then make up with sweet words and kisses on the other days. I don't want to stab my best friend in the back because I'm in love with the guy she's with, or have her stab my back when she's telling all my secrets to our other friends. I don't want to be the other woman who ends up becoming friends with his girlfriend and feeling bad that we're fooling around behind her back. I don't want ten guys, all of whom are friends, fighting over me and then hating me and each other when I favor one or the other. I don't want anyone attempting suicide or threatening suicide coz I dumped them or I stole their bfs.

Not that any of the above actually happened, but you know what I'm getting at.

It's all really dramatic and great to watch on tv, and probably fun to imagine too, but really... I just want a nice, normal, simple life.

Which I have. Now.

Which is kind of... uneventful. (Read: boring.)

You know, I'm glad I don't have anymore drama in my life, but that doesn't mean I don't want some excitement or adventure.

I'll still take boring over drama anytime, but I really gotta get myself some adventures.

Know where I can find some?

This postcard from Postsecret touched me so much that I just had to post it up here. It's so beautiful.

I hope one day I can do something like this.

I recently reviewed a book, A Secret of the Universe by Stephen L. Gibson, which made me curious about the Bible.

I'm not a Christian, and I've never actually read the Bible, but I do know about the stories of the Bible. You know, like Noah's ark, Adam and Eve, Moses' 10 Commandments, etc. And I enjoy those stories, it's just that I've never read the Bible to see what the Bible actually says.

I've known for a while that the Bible contradicts itself many times. What else can you expect from a book which was written by dozens of different people and translated from dozens of different languages? Something was bound to get lost in translation somewhere.

I meant to read the Bible for myself one day, so I could read the stories, and the contradictions, for myself (better to argue theology when you know about the other's points), but I wasn't interested enough to do it.

Stephen L. Gibson's novel A Secret of the Universe has made me so interested that I have now started reading a chapter of the Bible a day, starting from the book of Genesis.

Already I've found something which many Christians conveniently ignore;

If Adam and Eve were the first people, and they gave birth to Cain, Abel, and Seth, then who was it that Cain took as a wife? Where did she come from? And why was he so afraid that other men might judge him for killing his brother? Where did those other men come from?

It's just the first in a long long list of questionable statements in the Bible. This is why, though I enjoy the Bible stories, I would never really believe them. I take them the way I would take any other fantasy story.

Even with fictional books, readers question certain things that don't make sense in the story, why should we do any less with the Bible? Especially with the Bible, in fact. If it doesn't make sense, I'll pick at it. It's fun! =P

But it's really interesting too, you know.

I was having a conversation with Lone about communication and the roles of body language, tone, and words in communication. I don't know the exact figures, but I think it's something like 70% of your communication is your body language, 20% your tone of voice, and only 10% your words. I believe most of us have heard that, though I'm quite sure my figures are wrong.

So anyway, we were talking about that, and the fact that with internet chats, text messaging, and emails, 80% of our communication (body language and tone of voice) are effectively lost. Smiley faces help somewhat to communicate that in real life, we're smiling when we say what we say, which might have been construed as something negative if there wasn't any smiles on our faces. But take away the smiley faces, and you'll have to be very careful of what you write and the way you put your words together.

For most professional writers who write articles or reviews for newsletters and magazines, or bloggers who write for company blogs, the only form of communication they are able to use is words. No smiley faces allowed, no "=)", "=P", "=(" or stuff like *grin*, *LOL*, *smirk*, and etc. All they have are their words.

Some people say that personal interaction is best, so you can read other people better. You can understand them better because you can see their body language, hear their tone of voice, and the words they say.

Well, of course that's true. But there's something special about being able to communicate using only words too. I kind of likened it to a handicap that makes your other senses stronger, like the blind man whose sense of hearing is extra-sensitive (DareDevil comes to mind...).

When you are 'handicapped' to only be able to communicate with words, you do tend to develop sharper skills with forming your words and sentences carefully to communicate what you really want to say. Of course, it's not a real handicap, coz you can go back to using the rest of your 'senses' anytime, but while you are communicating via writing only, your sharper 'sense' of words turn on, and you use different words and sentences from what you might use if you were talking to someone face to face.

It is a skill, and now that more and more communication are going digital, we should all develop this skill, and make ourselves better understood with only words to help us.

It's actually very simple to me.

If you cause me pain, I let you go.

Simple.

Why do so many people keep sticking to bad relationships that cause them so much heartache and pain just because they've been together so long and it's so hard to let go and they love each other so much...blah blah blah...

I don't care if you love each other. If it hurts you to be together, and if you really loved each other, you'll let each other go so that you can be happy.

Yes, I'm a very selfish person. I care about myself very much. I care about my happiness. I care about my well-being. I care about my life. I love myself very much.

If everyone was as selfish as me, the world would be a better place.

We wouldn't have matyrs who 'sacrifice' their own happiness to do things for others to make others like them more. And then resent the people who 'made' them give up their own happiness. And then start arguing and fighting and making the world a less peaceful place.

If everyone would only put themselves first, and make sure they have everything they need before helping anyone else, the world would be a better place. If everyone loved themselves more than they want others to love them, the world would be a better place. Trust me.

Seriously, how many people do you know do things to make other people like them more, rather than do things to make themselves happy? It always ends up badly. I learned that the hard way.

Because I used to be one of those people who did everything so that other people would like me more.

Now I don't give a damn if someone doesn't like me. Why should I? As long as I'm happy.

I'll say it again, the world would be a much better place if everyone loved themselves more than they want others to love them.

Anyway, back to my point.

I love just as easily as the next person. More easily, in fact. I get attached easily, and I like people easily. But if it turns out that you only want to cause me trouble, pain, heartache or general bad feelings, then I let you go just as easily.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a heartless person. It will hurt me to let you go, it will hurt me to lose the good things and the good times. But if there are more bad than good, and if it hurts me to be with you. Then guess what? I'm gone with the wind.

Self-preservation.

I don't care if you're my best friend, my boyfriend, my father, my mother, my brother, my husband, even if you're my own child.

If you are bad for me, I'm gone.

Easily.

Just like that.

*Poof*

Like I said, my well-being is very important to me. And I love myself very much.

More than I will ever love anyone else, even my own child.

Don't deliberately miscontrue what I'm saying, by the way... You need to love yourself more than you love anyone else, I really believe that. Anyone who says they love someone else more than they love themselves, is either lying, or insecure, or otherwise psychologically impaired. And of course I'm not going to abandon my own child because I wanna have fun or whatever selfish meaning you wanted to read into my statement above.

I meant that even the strongest blood relationships will not be as strong as my own love for myself. I will still sever my relationship with my imaginary children, if in the future they chose to exploit me for the money I can give them.

And obviously, I'll have no problem cutting them out of my will, if they try to hurry me to my grave. LOL!

Anyway, the moral of this story is...

'Learning to love yourself, this is the greatest love of all.'

I don't get it.

I really don't get it.

How on earth did Harry Potter get so overhyped?

It's a great book, no doubt. It's creative and imaginative and exciting and interesting and fun, and all of that.

But so are a whole damn lot of other books!

And many of which that are much much much better than Harry Potter.

So what is it about Harry Potter which warrants the long queues and midnight camping and overpricing?

I mean, seriously, the book isn't that good. I can think of a few thousand other books which are much better, and none of them even got as much hype as this one.

Why?

I really, really just don't get it!

I liked the first three books, but I didn't love them. And from the fourth book onwards I thought that Rowling was starting to overdo things a little, but I still enjoyed the books.

I didn't buy the books, by the way, I didn't like them enough to spend money on them, not even on the first three books, which hadn't had their prices jacked up yet. My brother bought them, and I just borrowed them to read when I had nothing else better to read. My brother was way more into them than I was.

And yet he stopped buying them. He didn't buy the sixth book(I don't remember the suffixes, was it Harry Potter and the...oh, whatever) and the Deathly Hallows isn't on the shopping list either.

The prices are just ridiculous! Like I said, it's not that great of a book, and even if it is, why does it warrant a RM100 ++ price tag? It can't be because of the paper or the cost of printing, because I know the price of books, and since these books are in such demand, printing more of them should have brought the cost of printing down!

So the price must have been jacked up for Rowling's sheer genius in writing them, except, seriously... they aren't that great!

I'm really shaking my head in disbelief at this.

I'm glad for the hype of Harry Potter causing so many non-readers to start reading, and I'm glad at least, that it's one about wizards and witches and dragons.

Sighz...

I guess I'm kinda glad for the hype, but for the life of me, I just can't understand it.

Music is a universal language.

I believe it was the first language.

Music has been around ever since humans have been around. Without getting all technical, I'd say that cavemen had music too, however primitive their music may have been compared to ours.

Point being, there's something magical about music.

There's something about music that speaks to all of us. We use it as a form of expression, to show our feelings, our inspirations, our dreams... There are things inside us that can't be described with words. So we use music.

Everybody loves music. There may be a hundred different genres of music now, and perhaps not everyone likes the same kind of music, but we all love music. And we all need music. I don't think mankind could survive if we didn't have music. We wouldn't be human without music.

How much more respect do you have for the people who create music?

I have plenty.

Music is a part of everyone's lives, we've pretty much established that.

But for the people to whom music is their lives...

These people are different. These people are special. These people live in a world different from us. An alternate universe parellel but completely distinct from ours.

I wish I could go into that world.

I've seen glimpses of it in my dreams, and during my few moments of creativity. It's a beautiful world, a magickal world. It's a place where dreams come true and everything is possible. It's a place where you're always happy and nothing bad ever happens. Everyday is a sunny day and every place a playground for your inner child.

At least, that's how it was for me. I lived there for a while and I loved it there.

But reality crashed into my world like a bad car accident, and now I'm just as real, jaded, and cynical, as any other person.

Sometimes I wish I could go back into that world... but other times I think, I'm in the real world now, and I need to be real to survive here.

My question is... why is the real world so full of ugliness and pain? Why do we allow bad things to happen to the real world? Why can't everyone live in a beautiful, bright, happy world? Why can't I live in my dream world without bad people from the real world forcing me to see all the ugliness in their world?

These are all hypothetical questions, so don't bother answering.

I can live in reality just as well as in my dream world. But sometimes when I see glimpses of my dreams, it reminds me of what I gave up and what I gave it up for, and sometimes I really wonder why.

Reality is a poor substitute for dreams.

I'm currently studying about calcium in my course now. Did you know that astronauts lose about 200mg of calcium a day in space?

The point, actually, is that without gravity our bones loses calcium, and when we don't walk or exercise, or even when we're lying down at night to sleep, our bones lose calcium.

Now this is interesting and scary to me at the same time.

Interesting because I wonder if we only have as much calcium as we have because of gravity. Our bones lose calcium in anti-gravity, which I said already, and rebuilds the bones with calcium again when the body is under the laws of gravity.

Does that mean that if we lived in space, we wouldn't need half the calcium we currently need now? Or does that mean that we need to supplement our diets with twice the calcium we need now to build up our bone mass?

98% of calcium is in our bones, and only 2% is needed for other important functions of the body, like muscle contractions. So 98% of the calcium in our bodies could be unnecessary if we were living in space...

Ok, maybe not the whole 98%, but still...a huge percentage wouldn't be needed. Maybe. Well, what do I know? They're still conducting experiments on it.

The scary part is that we lose calcium if we're inactive for long periods of time, and even while we're sleeping.

Hey, I like to sleep. And I tend to be inactive for long periods of time when I sit and read, or study, or when I'm at the computer...

How much calcium have I lost already? And am I taking enough calcium in my diet everyday to replace what I lose?

I don't want my bones to be weak or brittle and prone to fractures when I get older... =(

That does it! I going to drink goat's milk (cow's milk actually depletes more calcium from your body) everyday now, and exercise at least 15 minutes a day, everyday!

Sighz... I'm so glad I have a badminton game tonight...

I'm still in the middle of unpacking. There's so damned many books! I'm still figuring out how to organize them.

Anyway, I decided to treat myself a little today after working so hard, so I started reading Songs of the Humpback Whale by Jodi Picoult.

As usual, reading got me thinking.

It doesn't actually happen in the book, or maybe it does but I haven't gotten to that part yet, but I had a hypothetical question.

If you were fifteen year old, and you lost your virginity to someone you really, really loved, and he died in an accident a couple of days later... And you found out you were pregnant a couple of months later...

Would you keep the baby? Or would you abort?

Let's assume that we're all pro-choice here, none of that abortion-is-murder crap, ok.

Looking at the pros and cons of it;

on one hand, you are only fifteen and the father is dead. You're definitely going to be alone in raising the baby, except of coz, if your family supports you in keeping it too.

on the other hand, he's dead, and the baby will be the only thing you'll ever have to remind you of him and to carry on his "legacy".

Would you keep it? Or would you abort?

The romantic part of me says I'll keep it. The practical part says I'll abort it. But then again, if the man I love just died, I'd probably be in the "tragic-romantic" mode, rather than the practical mode, so in all likelihood, I'd vote to keep it.

But then again, while I would be grief-striken and unable to think practically, I'm sure my parents would still be able to think properly "on my behalf", and I'm pretty sure they'll tell me not to ruin my life because of some tragic-romantic notion.

In that scenario, would I rebel and run away and have my dead lover's baby anyway and regret it for the rest of my life? Or would I do the practical thing and abort it and regret it for the rest of my life?

Honestly, I don't know, but I'm so glad I never have to face a situation like that.

It would make a good story though. I'm just not sure if Songs of the Humpback Whale is already telling that story, or am I running away with my imagination?